Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
