I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
