If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
