Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
