im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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