When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
