he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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