i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
