i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Shame is for Republicans.
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