My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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