Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
