I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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