I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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