Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
