If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
