I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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