my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
