Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
