Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
