I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
