Umm I'm too high to move.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
