I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
