We're like a lot better than the average bears
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
