We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No subtext here. People are naked.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
