My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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