she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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