Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
