You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
