You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
