I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
