nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
