So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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