Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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