She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
