She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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