It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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