I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But theres a keg here and me gusta
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
