So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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