I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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