Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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