just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
