11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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