im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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