I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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