I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
