my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
