I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
