K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
