I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
