My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We had sex on a dog bed..
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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